It's really hard for me to provide examples based on what you've written here, because it's obvious that the rhyme scheme is an important part of what you're doing, as is the rhythm. Let me look for some of my old work, and I'll give some examples based on that.
The above product is of me being bored at work and spending 5 minutes writing crap down. I really didn't elaborate on what I was going to do. I just wrote what popped into my head.
If you do want to continue working on this, I'd say take a written copy and start crossing out words that aren't absolutely necessary. Then take some of the descriptors you have and alter them - "high" and "drunk" are fairly common, maybe use other terms that don't exactly mean the same thing, but sound good ("marinated" was a favorite of mine in college). Focus more on the sound of the words than the actual meaning. Read it out loud.
Take some of the abstractions and replace them with concrete images (replace "opportunities" in line 14 with something like "chances fly by, trucks on the midnight highway" or something less corny). Show, don't tell. Give specific images of somebody passed out on a smelly couch with the remote falling out of their hand and their beer tilting dangerously with each breath. What are they watching when they're getting fucked up? What color is the couch? What does the room smell like? You don't have to tell the reader, but keep that image in the front of your mind as you write.
Drop the last couple of lines - they're kind of preachy. Let your description of the destitute drugged up situation imply that need for action.
Ok, I'm done for now. Keep at it. Get stoned, write down descriptions of what you're looking at. Rock on.
Hybrid Mode
