#1
 

I get out my pen and lean down to write
Can't believe what I do with all of my nights
We get high and drunk, try to have fun
But really, what's the point, in the end
We're all fucked
We're all dumb
We're all wasting time to start our lives
scared of what we might become
Really don't want to end up a bum
askin for change to get that pint
it's all they've got in this fucked up world
but you can't blame the system
learn to conquer it, don't wait till you've missed em
all the opportunities slipping by, but you can't go
because you're on the couch, scared to show
the world what you can really become
get out and make a difference
Put down the drugs, lay off the booze
Start your life, what have you got to lose?

No comments eh? Damn..

Lol....?
Describing yourself? :)

Sort of. Mainly a couple of my friends that have nothing going for them. But, me as well. I'm in a funk lately.

Bitch problems and cloudy thoughts will do that to ya

It's like a poem you'd hear at a coffee shop or something, lol, but more gangster.

Fuckin A. I have so many bitch problems, it's unreal.

To quote Jeff Foxworthy (I think it was him) - "I'd be gay if it weren't for the sex thing. Hell, then it's just hangin out with your buddies."

From someone who years ago considered himself a poet - Not too bad.
One recommendation I can give is to switch up the first words of some of the lines so the word choice itself comes as somewhat of a surprise to the reader (in relation to the end of the previous line). That's assuming you want to keep working on it.

Mind giving me some examples?

It's really hard for me to provide examples based on what you've written here, because it's obvious that the rhyme scheme is an important part of what you're doing, as is the rhythm. Let me look for some of my old work, and I'll give some examples based on that.

The above product is of me being bored at work and spending 5 minutes writing crap down. I really didn't elaborate on what I was going to do. I just wrote what popped into my head.

Still can't find the disks with my work on them.

If you do want to continue working on this, I'd say take a written copy and start crossing out words that aren't absolutely necessary. Then take some of the descriptors you have and alter them - "high" and "drunk" are fairly common, maybe use other terms that don't exactly mean the same thing, but sound good ("marinated" was a favorite of mine in college). Focus more on the sound of the words than the actual meaning. Read it out loud.
Take some of the abstractions and replace them with concrete images (replace "opportunities" in line 14 with something like "chances fly by, trucks on the midnight highway" or something less corny). Show, don't tell. Give specific images of somebody passed out on a smelly couch with the remote falling out of their hand and their beer tilting dangerously with each breath. What are they watching when they're getting fucked up? What color is the couch? What does the room smell like? You don't have to tell the reader, but keep that image in the front of your mind as you write.
Drop the last couple of lines - they're kind of preachy. Let your description of the destitute drugged up situation imply that need for action.

Ok, I'm done for now. Keep at it. Get stoned, write down descriptions of what you're looking at. Rock on.