My Story

ok this is part of a story ime writing and i want feedback. I might post more later. Sory about lack of paragraphs.

Prologue

“I’ve done it, I’ve become a summoner!”

The words echoed eerily throughout the frozen chamber of Macanica Temple, as a weakened boy stepped out of the chamber of fayth, and into the world. These famous words were to be the start of a new beginning for the people of spira - but right now, to the citizens of this world, they were nothing but the meaningless words of a meaningless boy. With a weary smile on his face Raven fell unconscious to the stone floor. The last thing he saw before he blacked out was his guardian’s flocking round him.


Chapter 1


Amidst the chirps of birds and the low grunts of the cattle in the valley of Shii, Rowan listened to Timon the storyteller. All the children around him seemed entranced, as if in a dream, by his words. “Once a in seasons past there lived a ordinary man called Martin. He was leader of a tribe that had just moved south. It was harder living there but it was thought amongst them that in the harder conditions there would be less rivaling foe’s. One night Martin had a son called Raven. Martin and most of the tribe’s worrier’s went to forage food for a feat being held in Raven’s honor. Meanwhile a great dragon a tacked the rest of the tribe which where in what it believed was it’s territory. The forager’s returned to find there loved one’s dead. Amazingly Raven survived because his mother’s dead body had fallen over him, hiding him from the dragon. Martin went quiet, and kept to himself morning the loss of his wife. One day Simon came up to Martin and said, “Listen mate you’ve got to snap out of this. You’ve got a son that needs you and a tribe that is lost without you”. After this Martin partly came back to his senses and helped his tribe rebuild, and create platforms to cover their caves so the dragon doesn’t spot them. Although Raven was mainly raised by his grandmother, one of the few survivors of the dragon attack. Martin swore on his wife’s grave that he would have revenge on the dragon that slew her. He spent his spare time making weapons and biding his time until the time was right to hunt down the dragon. Eventually Raven grew old enough to help his father make weapons. Martin’s affection grew for his son as he taught him the way of the worrier. Some seasons later an elderly woman came past their caves. They gave her food and shelter in return for information of the dragon that slew Martin’s wife. Martin found that the dragon lived on a small mountain to their east. Eventually Martin took some of his tribe and left his son to search for the dragon. But he had learnt from his mistakes so he left some able bodied men at the caves to prevent the same event from happening again. The journey was long, hard and laden with many fiends (monsters). Eventually they reached the mountain and began the perilous journey to the top. The fates could not delay the battle with the dragon any longer. And so it began at last. Martin’s tribe fought gallantly but most were slain at the hands of the foul beast. The battle raged on for hours until the dragon finally got its jaws around Martin. But with one last mighty cry Martin yelled “Raven please forgive me Raven!” and thrust his sword into the dragons throat. And there you have the story of Martin the worrier who sacrificed himself to have revenge on his wife and protect his son and all others in the land from the dragons wrath”. The children seemed to still be entranced by Timon’s story, even those who had heard it so many times before. None expected less for after all Timon was the land’s best storyteller. A short while later the trance was broken, and a small blond girl up the front put up her hand. “Yes my dear do u have a question,” said the soft voice of Timon. The girl said in her squeaky voice “well um yes did Martin become famous? Oh and did Raven survive?” “Why yes and yes my dear for this only happened 18 years ago, I bet Raven is alive this very day”. Then came the voice of David the caretaker “ well of to bed now all you little ones”. So Rowan went of to bed wondering, pondering and thinking as Timon’s story’s always made him wanting more. “Well I wish I would stop being treated like a child after all I am 13” came the drowsy voice of Rowan as he climbed into bed. After that it wasn’t long before he was dreaming of adventures and dragons.

Tell me what you think. ( this is the rough version couldent post the proper copy sry )

Note that this writing is copyright of me and any use of it without my permission WILL be acted against. You will be charged if you use this (for example) in a published book for I/we WILL find out. So ask for permission before acting with this writing. And ime not kidding and u better belive me (for more information post on this forum)

Spira?????????? Doesn't something like Galvennin sound more dramatic and please no more dragons im sick to death of that cliche. Why don't you try something ambitious, like for example an alternate universe based on aztec mythology but in modern times

Is this the same story as the one from your RPGMaker2k3 game?

No its not. Oh and angel of war i forgot to change the name of spira. And actually as the story goes along it doesnt have much to do with dragons

Your writing is pretty good, altough it could be a little more colorfull, is this your first attempt at a novel. I tried it myself but i couldn't commit myself and my muse abandoned me don't ever do that.

Yea it is actually (well i did try to write a decentstory when i was younger but i gave up so ime not going to count that). Well could you give me some tips. And what do you mean by colorfull?

i can't really explain Colourfull ill show you an example
non colorfull-she's pretty
colorfull-her beauty lights up the room
its basicly exageration and use of metaphors and it fits well in adventure and epic books. Another thing never plan the book before you write it, its better to just build the story as you write

oh and what do you think of the name "Eternia" for the continent. (and is it origional)

sounds good