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Posted 2004-09-25, 04:08 AM
in reply to KagomJack's post starting "Thank you for a comment based on the..."
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Jack, you need to re-work this one. In the first chunk of the story, you've got this genuinely interesting narrative that comes across as a southern good ole' boy ranting about the "evils" of the world and his devotion to his minister. However, two thirds of the way through the song, you suddenly go from southern yokel to nu-metal angst. Not a good transition.
You need to really think about the mindset of the person you're trying to emulate. If you've got this religious zealot who totally swallows all of the bullshit his pastor preaches to him, don't you think that even in spite of becoming aware of the priest's sins, he'd try blindly to defend those hypocrisies? If the person speaking in your piece is truly a "sheep in his shepherd's flock", would he honestly be that quick to change his tune and start attacking his leader for his shortcomings? No. He'd be the type of guy you'd see on TV, bellowing excuses for the pastor, and spewing weak justifications for his pastor's sins.
In my opinion, you need to completely re-write the last third of the song. Take out all of the "My reverend is a piece of shit" kinda stuff, but leave all of the stuff about abortions and whores in there. Just change the way that your character reacts to these things. Instead of having your character go "oh wow, my pastor is an asshole for doing these things" have him say "well, he's got every right to do these things! He's and honest, godfearing man and it's his god-damned prerogative as an American citizen, hyaw, hyaw!"
Having this character go from a blind sheep religious zealot to an angsty, anti-establishmentarian protestor makes no sense and it completely kills the really interesting narrative you set up with the beginning of the song. You're on the right track, but that last third of the piece totally kills your momentum.
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