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sitting and thinking
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Posted 2004-04-26, 01:07 AM
I've been sitting here for some time
Staring at the glowing sun, setting
Feeling the warm, cool air
Touching every drop of blue rain
That caresses the wandering earth
Ponds glow of a quiet solitude
Each ripple, your silkened touch
Trees whisper your name
And I am the day we met
The day when all was lost
So I could find you
A heart untouched
Saved for my hands alone
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vec is neither ape nor machine; has so far settled for the in-betweenvec is neither ape nor machine; has so far settled for the in-between
 
 
vec
 



 
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Posted 2004-05-07, 07:30 AM in reply to vec's post "sitting and thinking"
I like the imagery. I have one suggestion for you, though:

Try making the references to the subject more vague. You're drawing a parallel between the environment around you and (I assume) a girl. Lines like "each ripple, your silkened touch" seem to me like they would be more effective if you just simply said "each ripple, a silkened touch" or "that silkened touch." Another example: "Trees whisper your name." Maybe change it to "Trees whsiper a name." Make it more ambigous than you already have, and I think you've got a winner.
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Raziel is neither ape nor machine; has so far settled for the in-betweenRaziel is neither ape nor machine; has so far settled for the in-between
 
 
Raziel
 
 

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