Orion by amma430

can someone tell me what they think of this...

As Orion sat near the slowly rotting corpse of his now dead wife,unable to stop the tears from overcoming him. As the mixture of sweat and residue poured down his face he could not stop replaying the last words of his now dead wife.

"Don't follow me. I can handle this myself!"

She had said in her soft yet influential voice. He had wanted to follow her like he always had but remembered the lecture she had given him about trust so he did not. She had dissappeared from him around sunset, leaving Orion to constantly wonder why she would not let him follow her.
She returned back to him early the next morning, her feet skidding like iceskates on the icy floors of the long hallway. Only until she had removed her mask had he noticed anything wrong. She removed the emotionless white mask revealing two great cuts accross her face. Orion moved quickly grabbing some healing herbs and water, but before he could grab the herbs she had fallen unconscious into his arms. A week later the doctors finally pronounced her dead. Orion never left her bedside wearing the same blood stained clothes he had held his wife in when she fell in his arms.

" You need to get out."

the doctor had said trying to sooth Orion into accepting her death. Orion knew he could do nothing to bring her back to life and knew he should go, but he didn't want to leave the side of the only person who truly knew him. As he got up from the old wornout chair a soft knock was heard upon the door.

"Go away... not right now, I don't want to hear anything right now, no matter the importance."

Orion had said holding back the floodgates of tears as best he could. Occasionally one would find its way out of his gate and begin to trickel down his face, however Orion quickly exposed of it. The knock was once again heard upon the door.

"I said go away! I don't want to hear it!"

he screamed opening the floodgates and allowing the tears to fall freely. Te knock turned into a slam asn Orion's tired, weary eyes darted towards the door. Furiated Orion moved quickly towards the door. As he grabbed the handle a sword struck through the wodden door, barely missing Orion as he moved out of the way. The sword unlodged itself from the door , sliding back outside the room to its owner. Orion looked frantically around. Near Suza's bed, his now dead wife, lay her double axes and her mask. Orion picked up the mask and placed it over his face, then placed the solid white sheets over Suza,s head as to shield her eyes from what was about to happen in her bedroom. Finally Orion pickes up the dual axes preparing for the fight of his life. The sword struck through the door a second and a third time, cutting off the door knob. The door opened revealing a dark figure in all black with a bold red V starting with his eyes down to his mouth. The sword that sliced through the tough wooden door in one hand and one just like it in the other.

"Ive come to finish the job."

the dark figure had said as he darted toward Orion. His blades scraping the floor, leaving a trail of sparks behind him. Orion knew not what to do, he had never bothered training with his wife's dual axes mearly becaouse he never thought he would need them. Nevertheless Orion closed his eyes. Shut off his sense of touch as well as smell, and lunged toward the dark figure! With his axes high and twice as much energy from shutting off two of his sensed. Orion lunged toward his now constant target. The dark figure crossed his blades together, blocking Orion's attack. The block caught Orion by surprise, only noticeable by Orion's brief pause. The dark figure noticing the hesitation began swing and swinging at Orion in a windmill like motion. As Orion blocked the attack, he realized he had blocked himself into a corner. He was trapped and had no way to escape. Still, being the improvisable man that he was, Orion stuck one axe over the headboard of the bed where his wife lay. Blocking one last attack Orion swung across the bed, a gust of wind revealing a portion of his wife's face. Orion pulled his axe out of the wall and prepared for an onslaught by his opponent. However, his oponent, looking at the scar upon Suza's face, had put his swords away saying,

"Your not the one. You mearly wear the mask. My job is already done."

Orion furiated, darted towards the man axes ready to attack, but as he got near the man, he was suddenly no where to be found. Leaving Orion to, once again, ponder over someone else's last words.

You won't get much response on here, mate, sorry.

Instead, can I recommend: http://www.chronicles-network.com/forum/ ?

It's a board dedicated to Sci-Fi and Fantasy, and has a special Critiques forum where you can post these type of things. You won't only get feedback on what it is like, but also guys with red pens correcting grammar and whatnot.

I look forward to seeing you there.

can someone tell me what they think of this... As Orion sat near the slowly rotting corpse of his now dead wife,unable to stop the tears from overcoming him. As the mixture of sweat and residue poured down his face he could not stop replaying the last words of his now dead wife. "Don't follow me. I can handle this myself!" She had said in her soft yet influential voice. He had wanted to follow her like he always had but remembered the lecture she had given him about trust so he did not. She had dissappeared from him around sunset, leaving Orion to constantly wonder why she would not let him follow her. She returned back to him early the next morning, her feet skidding like iceskates on the icy floors of the long hallway. Only until she had removed her mask had he noticed anything wrong. She removed the emotionless white mask revealing two great cuts accross her face. Orion moved quickly grabbing some healing herbs and water, but before he could grab the herbs she had fallen unconscious into his arms. A week later the doctors finally pronounced her dead. Orion never left her bedside wearing the same blood stained clothes he had held his wife in when she fell in his arms. " You need to get out." the doctor had said trying to sooth Orion into accepting her death. Orion knew he could do nothing to bring her back to life and knew he should go, but he didn't want to leave the side of the only person who truly knew him. As he got up from the old wornout chair a soft knock was heard upon the door. "Go away... not right now, I don't want to hear anything right now, no matter the importance." Orion had said holding back the floodgates of tears as best he could. Occasionally one would find its way out of his gate and begin to trickel down his face, however Orion quickly exposed of it. The knock was once again heard upon the door. "I said go away! I don't want to hear it!" he screamed opening the floodgates and allowing the tears to fall freely. Te knock turned into a slam asn Orion's tired, weary eyes darted towards the door. Furiated Orion moved quickly towards the door. As he grabbed the handle a sword struck through the wodden door, barely missing Orion as he moved out of the way. The sword unlodged itself from the door , sliding back outside the room to its owner. Orion looked frantically around. Near Suza's bed, his now dead wife, lay her double axes and her mask. Orion picked up the mask and placed it over his face, then placed the solid white sheets over Suza,s head as to shield her eyes from what was about to happen in her bedroom. Finally Orion pickes up the dual axes preparing for the fight of his life. The sword struck through the door a second and a third time, cutting off the door knob. The door opened revealing a dark figure in all black with a bold red V starting with his eyes down to his mouth. The sword that sliced through the tough wooden door in one hand and one just like it in the other. "Ive come to finish the job." the dark figure had said as he darted toward Orion. His blades scraping the floor, leaving a trail of sparks behind him. Orion knew not what to do, he had never bothered training with his wife's dual axes mearly becaouse he never thought he would need them. Nevertheless Orion closed his eyes. Shut off his sense of touch as well as smell, and lunged toward the dark figure! With his axes high and twice as much energy from shutting off two of his sensed. Orion lunged toward his now constant target. The dark figure crossed his blades together, blocking Orion's attack. The block caught Orion by surprise, only noticeable by Orion's brief pause. The dark figure noticing the hesitation began swing and swinging at Orion in a windmill like motion. As Orion blocked the attack, he realized he had blocked himself into a corner. He was trapped and had no way to escape. Still, being the improvisable man that he was, Orion stuck one axe over the headboard of the bed where his wife lay. Blocking one last attack Orion swung across the bed, a gust of wind revealing a portion of his wife's face. Orion pulled his axe out of the wall and prepared for an onslaught by his opponent. However, his oponent, looking at the scar upon Suza's face, had put his swords away saying, "Your not the one. You mearly wear the mask. My job is already done." Orion furiated, darted towards the man axes ready to attack, but as he got near the man, he was suddenly no where to be found. Leaving Orion to, once again, ponder over someone else's last words.

It sucks.

You won't get much response on here, mate, sorry. Instead, can I recommend: http://www.chronicles-network.com/forum/ ? It's a board dedicated to Sci-Fi and Fantasy, and has a special Critiques forum where you can post these type of things. You won't only get feedback on what it is like, but also guys with red pens correcting grammar and whatnot. I look forward to seeing you there.

Thanks for the input dude! i'll definetly go there and post it. opinions are nice and i know i got a lot of grammer issues so this is perfect