You won't get much response on here, mate, sorry.

Instead, can I recommend: http://www.chronicles-network.com/forum/ ?

It's a board dedicated to Sci-Fi and Fantasy, and has a special Critiques forum where you can post these type of things. You won't only get feedback on what it is like, but also guys with red pens correcting grammar and whatnot.

I look forward to seeing you there.