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It seemed like any ordinary day, the sun was shining and the birds were chirping and there was even a pleasant breeze swaying through the treetops. Children were getting on their segregated buses to send them to the schools of proper color, farmers were riding tractors through their farmland while their wives had anal sex with the milkman. Fathers were driving their newly made stationwagons, mothers left to be home to cook and clean and have the accidental overdose on Speed. Yes, nothing out of the ordinary about this mostly white Protestant neighborhood. That was until IT happened.
A young child had wandered off from his mommy because was busy talking to her friend, Betty Sue Jo Beth Mary, about how her husband cries when they make love. The child wandered over to a small hedge with shrubbery on the other side of it, nicely and neatly trimmed at the sound of what sounded like crunching. And Russian, dirty, horrible, rotten, reprehensible, SOVIET Russian speak. Curious, the child crawled over and peeked past the hedge into the shrubbery to see some forms hunched over a good, kindly Christian Klansman being eaten by what appeared to be men with complexions of a green hue that would demonstrate extreme nausea only to also have patches of flesh hanging off their cheeks and other various parts of their face and arms. The child made a startled pitch as he saw the flesh of the kindly Christian Klansman from their mouths. Panicked, the child sprinted back towards his parents, the sound of his tiny little delectable feet making sounds to alert the two Russians to where he was heading.
The child cried to his mommy, pulling her dress and pointing at the Russians' location, whining and whimpering in such a pitiful tone that would make even the strongest man frown. “Mommy! They were eating the good, kindly Christian Klansman over there! They were -eating- him! Like, what daddy says he hates doing to your hair pies.” the child yelled and screamed, tugging his mommy's skirt that much more.
“Quiet, my dear sweet abortion-that-should-have-been. Mommy's busy!” she said with a smile, head turning away to see chest-level with Betty Sue Jo Beth Mary. The action was easy for her, as she didn't really care much about her child because her child came from unwanted sex with her husband, the local plumber.
“But MOMMY! They...they're,” he paused as the two hulking Russian frames marched over, blood and guts oozing out of their mouths, “HERE!” he yelled with a blood curdling scream, his mother quickly turning to yell as well while Betty Sue Fuck-her-name-I'm-high-as-fuck let fly a Wilhelm scream. But it was soon too late for them. Soon the Russians befell them and a terrible realization came to fruition: they weren't just Communist Liberal Russian zombies. No, they were also...homosexual. A most terrible thing.
Soon after the mother and child and surprisingly masculine female neighbor were bitten and partially eaten, they too rose up from the dead, speaking fluent Russian while pondering how to spread their communist ideals as well as their liberal agenda for gays to get straight married. In your local church. Really! Check it out, it could happen and it WILL happen unless we stop them! I digress, soon they began to walk the streets, hungry for the flesh of the innocent, the flesh of the hard-working, the flesh of the God-fearing Christian, the flesh of anything that was able to become apart of their agenda.
It didn't take long for the scene to go form beautiful to horrendous and brutal. As they swarmed neighborhoods, the sight of elderly women crawling on the sidewalk with trails of blood leading to the place of their attack and young children ripping their parents apart with their nasty little child-like, diminutive teeth. Soon even the animals were falling to this menace!
It wasn't until a few weeks later that the survivors were holed up. They began to notice not everyone was bitten. Those who had voted Obama or had already been privy to the Communist or Liberal or homosexual agenda were not bitten or infected, but happily helping the zombies hunt them down! It wasn't until the brave head of the local TEA Party, Glenford Beckingham (Glenford was, by the way, a very handsome, older man. He had a winning smile and prayed to God every day and did what he was supposed to do to relay the message of the Party! He “never wore nothin' fancy” as he put it and was such a kind, pious man.), rose up and proudly proclaimed that they should get the TEA Party people together and fight those stupid, non-English speaking bastards to the very end! Glenford was, by the way, a very handsome, older man. He had a winning smile and prayed to God every day and did what he was supposed to do to relay the message of the Party! He “never wore nothin' fancy” as he put it and was such a kind, pious man. They had enough weaponry and ammo to do it too! They were, after all, a small farming community in the South. They totally had the ability to have all that because they believed in God and the baby Jesus. Glenford rallied as many as he could, arming them to the teeth. But it would not be so easy for them, oh no, not at all.
They began to slowly take each street back, one by one. They had to reload every now at then at a person's house, but they began to make it. That is, until they hit the worst place to see these kinds of creatures they fought: a Starbucks next to a Borders/Barns and Noble. They were swamped in that place and slowly the zombies began to turn the tide on these true, American patriots. One by one they fell. First Mary Glourohole fellt from a bite on the ankle. The old man Jenkins had a heart attack and fell over, making his wife, the town obese Carrie Jenkins, fall to the ground, making her food for the terrible zombies. Then Sarah Palina Failsworth, then Russell Smith, then Joseph Smith, and Shaniqua Jones until only a few survived. Glenford knew then what he had to do: he had to sacrifice himself for the good of the survivors, but it'd be easier to get them to want to fight.
“Ladies and Gentlemen, remember how we fought today. We may not be able to win, but by God and the baby Jesus we can at least have a moral victory! Take comfort in knowing that our leader, Hussein Obama, has won this horrible battle, but we won't let him win the war!” Glenford cried, though many of the people had lost heart and given up hope. Soon the zombies began to fall on their location.
They fought and they fought and they fought until only three of them were left alive: Glenford Beckingham, the town Librarian Georgina Phillips, and the priest Father Benedict. They continued to open fire, taking refuge slowly into a small house. They tried to board up, but found themselves unable to. So many were the zombies and so few were they. They'd never make it out now, they just knew it. So Glenford pushed Father Benedict through the door and picked off as many zombies as he could, seeming to never run out of shotgun shells thankfully. Soon he managed to get their numbers down, but they were still dangerous. Georgina threw herself into Glenford's chest, her head tucked ever so neatly beneath his chin while he continued to protect the both of them until, by what seemed like a miracle, he managed to kill every last zombie. All of them, even Carrie Jenkins the obese zombie, dead. Glenford smiled and dropped to his knees, delivering a prayer to on high of thanks for their being kept safe. Glenn rose to his feet and turned to smile at Georgina, her dress torn a little bit to reveal a little bit of thigh and calf.
But something felt wrong, all-of-a-sudden, as a gigantic SIX HEADED DRAGON WITH THE HEADS OF NANCY PELOSI, HILLARY CLINTON, PRESIDENT OBAMA, JOE BIDEN, RONALD MCDONALD, AND THE WORST COMMUNIST OF ALL, HITLER popped out from behind Georgina, its foot crushing her immediately, blood and bone and other such horrid things flying at Glenford, reminding him she had been sinful by showing leg! Glenford did a sharp roll and grabbed his RPG, aiming it at the heart of the beast, crying “HOW COULD YOU DO TIS TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO LOVE AND RESPECT AND TREASURE AND CARESS SOFTLY AS YOU MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE COMMITTED MURDER UNDER FORESEEN OR MAYBE UNFORESEEN EVENTS WHILE YOU SOMETIMES LIKE TO PICK YOUR NOSE AND EAT WHAT COMES OUT ON YOUR FINGER? YOU BASTARD!”
The rocket zoomed out and into the heart of the creature, the creator of the evil poison that created the Communist Liberal Russian zombies who were homosexual! The creature nearly burst wide open, clasping at whatever it could to try and keep together, but it was to no avail. The creature fell and gurgled and bled profusely over the ground, making the flowers wilt and die. Glenford jumped out of the blood's path and observed the carnage and chaos. If the people had just kept themselves to God's vote (John McCain, you Jerkasauras Rexes!), then none of this would have happened. This quiet little mostly white Protestant neighborhood would not have been destroyed as it had. But he stood alive and happy to be alive. He stood strong and with that strength he stood beside God too. The End.
Written by Glenn Beck
Thought up by Glenn Beck
Please donate money to Glenn Beck and your local TEA Party! We'll keep you safe from this scum!
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