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Posted 2005-07-03, 04:26 PM
in reply to Kaneda's post starting "What is the comeback Lenny?"
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The comeback is (now I've got it on my clipboard):
And here are the newly editted 10 books of Lenny...ENJOY!!!
The First Book of Lenny..........
And God said: "Blessed be the Big-Noses."
And the people laughed.
And God looked down at Lenny and said: "Well he has got a big nose."
And the people laughed.
And the 27th disciple, George, said: "Like an Alligator."
And God said: "I know a joke about Alligators."
And the [58] disciples said: "Tell us."
And God said: "A man walked into a bar and asked the waiter: 'Do you do Alligator sandwiches?' And the waiter said: 'Yes.' And the man replied: 'OK then, get me an alligator sandwich, and make it quick.'."
And so the first joke of the age was given to the faithful.
The Second Book of Lenny..........
And Lenny said unto the crowd: "And God came to me in a dream and he [told] to me the second joke of the age. Thus I repeat: A man walked into a bar and said: 'WHAT THE??? WHICH IDIOT PUT THIS HERE???'."
And the people laughed.
And the blessed Big-Noses were made martyrs.
And so came the second joke of the age.
The Book of Thomas..........
And Thomas said unto the people: "I am God."
And the people worshipped him and made him God and built him temples and bought him cake.
The Third Book of Lenny..........
And God came unto Lenny in a dream and [gave] unto him directions for the third joke of the age.
And so Lenny travelled to the Temple of Thomas, but the cake proved too much for him, so instead he went to the Lesser Temple of Tom where [he] found the third joke.
And so he addressed the crowd: "A Big-Nose, a fishmonger and a slightly stupid Irish person were sitting on a bridge eating lunch. The Big-Nose opened his lunchbox, found camel-hair sandwiches and said: 'If the wife gives me these once more I will throw myself off of this bridge.' The fishmonger opened his lunchbox, found camel-meat sandwiches and said: 'If the wife gives me these once more I will throw myself off of this bridge.' And the slightly stupid Irish person opened his lunchbox, found camel sandwiches and said in a slightly corny imitation of an Irish persons voice: 'If the wife gives me these once more I will throw myself off of this bridge.' The next day, all three men had the same butties again, and thus threw themselves off the bridge. At their funeral, a joint affair, the Big-Nose's wife said: 'I don't understand it; camel-hair was his favourite.' And the fishmonger's wife said: 'I don't understand it; camel-meat was his favourite.' And the Slightly Stupid Irish person's wife said: 'I don't understand it; he made his own sandwiches.'
And the people laughed.
And one said: "What is an Irish person?"
And Lenny replied: "I'll be damned."
And the people laughed.
And so was found the third joke of the age.
The Fourth Book of Lenny..........
And God came [unto] Lenny in a fourth dream and revealed the fourth joke of the age.
And Lenny was heard to mutter: "Ha ha, Dom the Worm."
And Lenny laughed himself to death.
And so ended the Legacy of the Big-Nose.
And thus the fourth joke of the age was never again spoken by mortal lips.
And the people had to make do with 'Danny the Ginger' instead.
And thus ended the Religious Age of the Jokes.
The Fifth Book of Lenny..........
And Lenny arrived at the gates of heaven.
And St. Peter told him the demons of heaven had gone down to Earth to look for him.
And Lenny said: "Demons in heaven. Ha. A paradox in a paradox."
And St. Peter did not understand.
And St. Peter asked Lenny what he meant.
And Lenny said: "Ignore me, I'm rambling."
And St. Peter shrugged.
And St. Peter received a message by L-mail.
And Lenny said: "I never knew they had Lightning mail here."
And St. Peter said: "New Fixture. Keeps on getting interference form storms below though."
And St. Peter read the message.
And Lenny read the message over his shoulder.
And Lenny went white.
And St. Peter grinned.
And St. Peter pushed a button and Lenny returned to Earth.
And Lenny was in his bed.
And the demons of heaven were standing around it.
And Lenny screamed.
And the demons laughed.
And thus Lenny was reincarnated.
And the demons of heaven tortured Lenny for insulting the new God Danny.
And they stuck burning pins into all of his hair holes.
And they broke all of his bones with a teddy bear.
And Lenny was in intense pain.
And Lenny screamed.
And the demons grinned and tortured him some more.
And Danny looked down from heaven and said: "This pleases Danny."
And the demons grinned.
And they tortured Lenny.
And they ripped out his tongue with a fork.
And they invited his neighbours over for a party.
And the neighbours trashed his house.
And Lenny screamed.
And the demons persuaded Lenny's girlfriend to sleep with his brother.
And Lenny screamed.
And the demons tortured Lenny some more.
And they ripped open his stomach.
And they burnt his internal organs.
And they filled his insides with minus pH acids.
And they stitched him back up again.
And Lenny died once more.
And thus ended the torture of Lenny.
The Sixth Book of Lenny...........
And the Reincarnated Lenny was told by [Mr.] Bob that a minus pH was impossible.
And Lenny argued with Mr. Bob.
And Mr. Bob gave Lenny a Chemistry lesson.
And Lenny laughed.
And Mr. Bob said: "OK then smartass, Make a -pH acid."
And Lenny said: "OK, I will."
And Lenny walked up the stairs to the Chemistry lab.
And in the Lab, Lenny failed to make a -pH acid.
And Mr. Bob laughed.
And Lenny ran out in a huff.
And Lenny stood on a rather large thumbtack.
And the thumbtack stuck in his foot
And Lenny hopped around, trying to get it out.
And he hopped towards the stairs.
And Lenny fell down the stairs.
And he fell down a floor.
And then another.
And a third.
And he fell on a poor orphan girl.
And the poor orphan girl broke his fall.
And Lenny was unharmed but from a rather large thumbtack still in his foot.
And then the little orphan girl stood up.
And there was much rejoicing.
And the little orphan girl said "You monster you fell on me".
And the little orphan girl proceeded to smack Lenny in the face.
And there was much rejoicing.
And so it was that which was the Sixth Book of Lenny.
The Seventh Book of Lenny...........
And so the Big-Nosed prophet prophesised once more.
And God came [unto] him.
And God said: “Not you again! I suppose I’ll give you a few more jokes then.”
And so the Second Coming of the Joke happened.
And God whispered into LennyÂ’s ear.
And Lenny said [unto] the crowd that [was] gathering: “What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?”
And the crowd answered: “A Woolly Jumper!”
And Lenny frowned a said: “No. A Sheeparoo.”
And the crowd groaned.
And so it was that the second coming came.
And immediately wished it hadnÂ’t.
The Eighth Book of Lenny...........
And so Lenny once more ventured to the Temple of Tom.
And the cake there was slightly damp and mouldy.
And LennyÂ’s hungry followers ate it.
And many died of food poisoning.
And Lenny entered the temple in search of a joke.
And he searched for hours.
And he came out to address his depleted crowd of maniacs.
And he said: “I used to be a werewolf, but I’m alright today.”
And many people were carted off in yellow carts with square wheels driven by funny little men in white coats.
And so another joke was forced upon the people.
The Ninth Book of Lenny...........
And so the Big-noses became celebrities once more.
And Lenny was given his own church in the backyard of the crazy-peoples home so he wouldnÂ’t have to walk [far].
And many a laughing scream could be heard there day and night.
And postcards with the latest jokes on them were printed very often.
And Lenny greeted his followers with the joke: “My dog has no nose.”
To which they reply: “Well how does he smell?”
To which Lenny replies: “I don’t know, you’ll have to ask him.”
And the crazy-peoples home had to move to bigger premises [due] to business booming.
The Tenth Book of Lenny...........
And so Lenny lived to the ripe old age of 37.
And the people asked him to tell one more joke before he snuffed it.
And Lenny addressed the crowd.
And the people said they already had homes.
So Lenny decided to tell one more joke.
And he thought for a moment.
And he said: “Why did the chicken cross the road?”
And the people asked: “Why?”
And Lenny said: “I don’t know, that’s why I was asking you.”
And so Lenny died.
And the people were finally happy.
And he never, ever, ever returned to bring his reign of madness upon the world again. Not even for Comic Relief or anything!
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