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Posted 2012-01-24, 09:03 PM
in reply to Lenny's post starting "I drafted three responses to that,..."
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I drafted three responses to that, going on about how I think most of these diagnoses are bullshit excuses for bad parenting, rationalising my dislike for social encounters with lack of opportunity as I grew up, and similar rubbish, but I think everything boils down to lack of confidence.
I consider myself a perfectly normal guy (maybe a bit controlling if given the chance, and OCD about organisation, but everyone has their own particular and peculiar quirks). When I'm past the awkwardness of the first few meetings with new people, everything is fine - I can stop and talk to them in the street, or in the bar, have longer conversations with them and I get decreasingly worried about being alone with them. I guess it's the same for most people.
I find it difficult to ask girls I like out for coffee (or, I suppose, anything that could constitute a date), because I see it as an admission of feelings and I'm convinced that they would too, which scares me. I've never liked losing control of a situation (or myself... which I guess is a reason for not drinking), and I feel deeply uncomfortable about entirely exposing myself emotionally to someone who is still a stranger. Then again, to them, it may just seem like a gesture of friendship.
Short answer to diagnosis: No. I guess I'm just more reserved and lacking in confidence than others.
Maybe manning up and saying, "Fuck it, you only live once", is my best course of action. Obviously with this girl, however attractive I find her, there's nothing that can be done. Maybe things won't work out and I'll get my chance within a couple of months. Maybe things will collapse in a couple of years and I might still be around and single, with renewed feelings. Maybe I'll even randomly bump into someone on a train. Dwelling on things sucks, and I've had a miserable day.
Whatever happens in the future, I can probably work on building up my confidence around people I don't know.
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Gotcha. I was just curious if you had any traces of aspie behavior (being a nerd and a programmer increases your odds :P), but I wasn't trying to be mean.
This is a tough thing to help you with from a distance. I think it's important to cultivate two things.
1. Not-giving-a-fuck-ness, which for me is realizing that the universe is so unimaginably massive that our puny existences are completely inconsequential. If that isn't enough, realize that nobody is going to think back in a few years "wow, remember that Lenny guy? He was a real milquetoast." People are too caught up in their own lives to really give a shit what you do anyway.
2. Awareness of body language cues and the ability to read people's behavior. Do you know how it's obvious to you when a guy and a girl are hitting it off, but those people involved are often oblivious? You need to be able to turn this inward so that you can "read" people you interact with. (If you don't know what I'm talking about, then you should seek out some literature on body language. There is a lot of it out there for management purposes, but it also applies for flirting.)
I'm pretty tired so if I think of something helpful I'll add it later.
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