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sitting and thinking
I've been sitting here for some time
Staring at the glowing sun, setting Feeling the warm, cool air Touching every drop of blue rain That caresses the wandering earth Ponds glow of a quiet solitude Each ripple, your silkened touch Trees whisper your name And I am the day we met The day when all was lost So I could find you A heart untouched Saved for my hands alone |
I like the imagery. I have one suggestion for you, though:
Try making the references to the subject more vague. You're drawing a parallel between the environment around you and (I assume) a girl. Lines like "each ripple, your silkened touch" seem to me like they would be more effective if you just simply said "each ripple, a silkened touch" or "that silkened touch." Another example: "Trees whisper your name." Maybe change it to "Trees whsiper a name." Make it more ambigous than you already have, and I think you've got a winner. |
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