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Interviewer Lionel Anderson
Over the years we have seen a rise in the lampooning and ridicule of very well-known religious figures, most notably Jesus Christ and Satan. As the prevalence and rise of atheism and scientific theory has come about, many have come to view these two as nothing more than mythological or, in some cases, caricatures best suited for a good, long laugh.
Being a devout Christian myself, I decided to procure an interview with both Jesus Christ and Satan themselves to talk to them about how they felt about being the butt of several jokes and, overall, just being demeaned and made light of.
Myself: Thank you for joining me in a joint interview! I must say that I feel quite favoured by the both of you for granting me this interview.
Jesus: Nah, nah, what it is, man. Pleasure's all mine.
Satan: Torturing souls is a pretty arduous endeavor, so taking a break from it is welcomed.
Myself: My gratitude aside, let us conduct this interview. Jesus Christ, how--
Jesus: Man, it's Jesus Christ, our Lord and Saviour. Get it right, home boy.
Myself: My sincerest apologies Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior. Now, my question is this: how do you feel about the modern world right now?
Jesus: Well, man, I tells you this: it's utter crap. Bitches just sinning left and right, no respect, ya mean? They don't say their prayers or thank me for watching their backs. They're just ungrateful little ho's.
Myself: I think I follow you. What about you, Satan?
Satan: I like how this world has turned out. It's quite cozy. Much more refined and elegant. Sure, it's harder to tempt some people than it used to be, but it is still my playground. But to be honest, sometimes I like just walking out and about among the mortals, such as yourself, going into malls or going to Coldstone's Ice Creamery when I'm around the United States.
Myself: But you're the Prince of Darkness and live in an eternal lake of fire, wouldn't the ice cream be extremely cold or melt?
Satan: Please never compare me to the Satan from Little Nicky, please.
Myself: Will do. Now, my next question is this: how do you both feel about how often you're lampooned or made fun of?
Jesus: I think they're just ignorant. They think they're so fucking powerful because they can go "Oh, look at Jesus, he just a whiny little bitch." Well, I gots news for them: I ain't no little bitch. I'm coming back and I'm coming back hardcore.
Satan: I, personally, don't care. God supposedly gave mankind free will and a creative mind. They're just doing what they were created to do.
Jesus: Hold up, hold up, hold the hell up! You blaming pops for this shit?
Myself: Now, now, please don't get upset. Let's move on to another subject. You rarely see other religious figures, such as Siddhartha Gautama or even Shiva and Vishnu, being made fun of, South Park aside. Why do you both think that is?
Satan: Given that Christianity and, to an extent, Judaism, were mainstream in the Western world for so long, people have simply come to resent us rather than them. They probably feel that these are religions of peace more than anything.
Jesus: Yeah, what he said. But that's just 'cause bitches one Earth are stupid.
Myself: Jesus, a personal question: why are you dressing like a modern day rap star/gangster?
Jesus: Because I love rap and hip hop. I love me some Wu-Tang and Lil' Whyte. That L-i-L-' W-h-y-t-e. Just so you don't be a dumbass and misspell his name. Plus gangstas, and that's spelled g-a-n-g-s-t-a-s, are hardcore. Nobody wanna mess with them. They packing chromes and shit. You gonna waltz up to some nigga packing heat and try to fuck with him? The answer is hell nah. Ain't no body that got damned stupid.
Myself: Please refrain from swearing too much. This is a company that tries to pride itself on being somewhat family-friendly.
Jesus: Oh, my bad!
At that point Jesus just shrugged and muffled an apology to me.
Myself: Satan, you don't seem to be trying to reinvent yourself the way Jesus is. Is there any reason that you feel no need to?
Satan: The way I see it is that I'm pretty much happy with the way I am, so I don't need to try and change that. Godboy there, however, has some deep, psychological, borderline Freduian need to be someone else because he feels his masculinity coming into question.
Jesus: Oh hell no! I know you just didn't say that!
Myself: Now, now, please calm yourselves. Satan, as long as we are conducting this interview, leave the personal insults out. Now, this question is for both of you: How do you feel about the way the show South Park represents you?
Jesus: They cool.
Satan: I think it's funny. Though I would never have sex with Saddam Hussein. But I did surgically lodge a something unpleasant in his anal cavity.
Myself: That was quite nasty. Last question for the interview: when will we see the both of you in your true forms, i.e. the apocalypse?
Jesus: I see what you're trying to do, home boy, and I don't like it. So you can take that question and shove it. Only pops knows when the end comes and it's gonna come like a thief in the night.
Satan: I'm in the dark until his dad gives me a call.
Myself: Well, thank you both for this interview and I hope that you both find a way to stop the lampooning and satirization of the both of you.
Jesus: Oh, it will stop! When peeps see me rolling down with my gats at my side, they gonna go "Whoa, Jesus is effing hardcore." Then I'm gonna forgive them of their sins and they'll live lives without sin.
Satan: I don't see a reason to interfere. If they choose to believe in me or if they choose to make fun of me is their prerogative. I won't stop them.
Myself: Well, that is all good and well. Again, thank you both.
Jesus: Nah man, thank you!
Satan: It was a pleasure.
Shortly after the interview the both of them went back to their perspective homes to do what they needed to do. I tried to do a follow-up interview, but neither of them were interested and claimed they had prior engagements. Nevertheless, this has been a very fun interview and I hope that I will get to do this again.
© J-P's Independant News Team 2009
Editor's note: Shortly afterward, Lionel was struck by a rogue Jesus statue on a visit to a Romanian church while on an interview with the locals about the modernization of Romania. He will be missed. R.I.P. Lionel Anderson, 1975-2009.
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