Shinto Katana said:
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Love? No one loves me. Feelings? No one feels for me.
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1) Get rid of those lines, for the love of God. They are cliche, they are predictable and they kill the reader's interest the
instant they are seen.
2) Grab a thesaurus or a dictionary and look up the following words:
Redemption
Entity
Internity
You're misusing the first two words and the third one doesn't exist.
3) I really like the last line, but it feels woefully out of place. The whole poem deals with spiritual themes and talk of "angels". Then suddenly, out of nowhere, the last line becomes extremely visceral. It just doesn't feel right.
This one needs work. I'd say revise it. Rethink the message
and the image you're trying to convey. In the beginning, the theme of the piece is that "life is meaningless", but halfway through, you mention that life has meaning for you in the face of some "angel". However, there is no segue between those two themes. It just jumps from one to the next with no warning.
It's hard to grasp exactly what you're trying to say here, and because of that, I get the feeling that you rushed it. I have a sense that you suddenly needed to expel emotion into words, maybe because of a breakup or some other sudden rush of feeling. Now that that urge has passed, and the emotions have been vented, you should do the piece some justice by going back and refining it.
Hybrid Mode
