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I would suspect that, aside from the obvious nerds and dorks in the audience, very few of you have heard of this movie. "Night Watch" is apparently Russia's attempt at throwing their hand into the "epic sci-fi/fantasy film" category, an attempt at emulating the success of franchises like Lord of the Rings, The Matrix and Star Wars. Before viewing the movie, I had experienced nothing but a tidal wave of praise for it, calling it the "next great epic franchise", "a masterpiece", yadda, yadda. Nerds and fanboys from every corner of the Earth, simultaneously fellating this movie in every way possible. I rented it, just to see how good it actually was.
I have never been more angry at nerds in my life.
I am going to write up for you, in just a moment, a summarized explanation of the entire film's plot just so you can understand as completely as possible the depths of this movie's utter craptitude. Before that, however, let me plainly state that everything in this film is broken. Every single plotline and subplot in the movie goes unfulfilled, every character is banal and useless, and every action sequence is stilted and weak. This movie goes beyond the realm of terrible. It traverses planes of unholy lameness not tread by films even as terrible as Ecks vs Sever or Battlefield: Earth. This is the worst movie I have ever seen.
And so we leap into the mouth of madness.
For the last several millennia, mankind has endured a secret war between the forces of Light and Dark (oooooohh). These two forces being comprised of humans called "Others", people with extraordinary gifts. Vampires, shapeshifters, telepaths and so forth. A few thousand years ago, these warring armies went to battle and found they were evenly matched. Locked in stalemate, the enemies realized that not a single man would survive if the combat continued. So, a truce was formed. Both sides agreed to no more war, and in order to uphold the truce, two policing agencies were formed. The Day Watch (Dark Others policing the Light) and the Night Watch (Light Others policing the Dark). Can you taste the shit yet? Can you?
Fast forward to 12 years ago. Some douchebag named Anton goes to see an old hag who apparently knows some black magic. He and his girlfriend have recently broken up and he wants Mrs. Hag to find out what went wrong. She uses her mystical juju powers to figure out the dealio and tells Anton that his woman left him because she's pregnant with another man's child. So, furious, he contracts Mrs. Hag to kill the unborn child in utero with her magic. What a guy.
However, before she can complete the ceremony, a trio of trenchcoat-wearing assholes breaks into the old woman's apartment, stops the ceremony and puts her under arrest for using magic for illegal purposes. This trio of lame belongs to the Night Watch, and they are about as effective at doing their job as Pinky and the Brain would be. Let me add, that ending the ceremony entails that one of the Night Watch assholes transform into a tiger, jump on the old woman's counter and burn her hands with a frying pan. Heart-pounding action people.
Anton, being a useless pussy, is traumatized by loud noises and people speaking in a stern manner, and such trauma "awakens" his Other powers. He apparently gains the ability to see glimpses of the future, however, let me go ahead and cut the head off this chicken and inform you that he never once actually uses this power of his throughout the course of the entire movie. The Night Watch assholes notice he's got shiny new powers and induct him into their ranks.
12 years later.
Anton is a vampire now. No explanation as to how this happened. No "while you were away" cutscene. He's just a vampire. Deal with it.
We learn very quickly that Anton lives in an apartment across the hallway from a Dark Vampire and that, while technically enemies, the two are buddies and hang out regularly. Although, we are never shown any real examples of a genuine relationship between these two, we're just basically told that they're friends. I'll behead this chicken as well and inform you that this friendship is never used or developed in any meaningful or even utilitarian way. It's just there for the sake of being there.
So, right off the bat, Anton is given the assignment of hunting a pair of Dark Vampire lovers that have gone rogue. They are using a special vampiric power named The Call in order to lure a pre-teen boy to them for feeding, and under the terms and conditions of the truce, wanton feeding is not allowed. One must obtain a permit of sorts to do so, so that all feedings can be catalogued and kept track of. *groan* So, Anton tracks the lovers down using...something. Certainly not his powers of precognition, because, as I said, he doesn't use them a single time throughout the whole movie. Certainly not his superior detective skills, because Anton is a fucking moron. Maybe he tracked them down by listening for their hackneyed, stereotypical vampire speech traits. Maybe he sensed the pounding bass of VNV Nation being played over their car stereo. Maybe this movie just sucks and you're supposed to fill in all of these blanks for yourself. I'm betting the latter of the options is the most likely possibility.
So, Anton tracks them to an abandoned school or something, engages in one of the worst fight sequences I've ever witnessed (seriously, the male vampire fights with a pair a scissors, and not big ones either; little barber scissors) burns the female vampire with an ultraviolet flashlight (*GROAN*) and then accidentally kills the male. The chick flees, the kid goes home in one piece, and our hero Anton, crawls back to Night Watch HQ with every single surface on his body leaking profuse amounts of blood. He got his ass KICKED by a man wielding a tiny pair of fucking SCISSORS. He's quite the manly-man, you see.
It is at this point that I must back up for a moment. During the sequence in which Anton was tracking the vampires, he boarded the subway and while onboard, encountered a nerdy blond chick with glasses that is supposed to be of some significance. He saw the broad, and suddenly everything went dark. Her hair started flying around, lightning struck (yeah, in a fucking subway tunnel), and Anton just stood there and screamed, like a pussy is wont to do. Then everything went normal again, Anton continued screaming, and it was revealed that it was all in his head. He was then chastised by an old lady for being a faggot, and then the blond chick exited the train and he continued on his quest to fight scissor-wielding cockfiends.
Back at Night Watch HQ, Anton is being patched up by the leader of the Light Others, Some Bald Guy With A Stereotypical D&D-Sounding Patronly-Leader Name Of Russian Origin, or just Baldguy for short. So, Anton explains to Baldguy about the subway chick, and the old man feels a lightbulb pop on over his head. He checks his ambiguous collection of Really Old Books and finds one mentioning the origins of the Light/Dark war. Apparently, several millennia ago, some really sweet, caring, nice chick in Europe (or something) was cursed by another person for no apparent reason. As a result of being cursed, a giant metaphorical and metaphysical rift, called The Vortex, opened up over her head. From that day forth, anyone she came into contact with would meet tragedy. If she petted a puppy, it would die, if she fed a bird, it would die, if she...well, you get the idea. If only this DVD was capable of spontaneously combusting because of her inclusion within it, the event would have saved me countless minutes of brain-grinding agony and despair. Anyway, this Vortex thingy is apparently where the forces of Darkness first spewed from, creating a dichotomy in the world of the Others, and forcing a war between the two factions. This chick became known as The Virgin, died soon after and unwittingly left her legacy in the form of a secret, milennia-long and totally gay war between meta-humanity.
Baldguy informs Anton that the subway chick must be the second advent of The Virgin, as prophesised in the Light Other's Dusty Book of Yore, and that her coming entails the inevitable Final Battle between Light and Dark. Baldguy takes it one step further by explaining that, this time, there will be no mexican standoff. This time, the balance will be broken with the arrival of the Great Other, the most powerful Other to have ever existed, and that whichever side he chooses will be victorious in the Final Battle. Yet another chicken-chopping moment here: Anton is not the Great Other. I've made it perfectly clear, several times throughout the course of this writing, that he is not the most powerful anything. He's not the most powerful janitor in the world, much less the toughest vampire. He's an idiot, an asshole and a friggin' wuss.
So, Baldguy orders Anton to put a stop to it. To find the Virgin, figure out who cursed her and have the curse lifted so that the Vortex can close, the Final battle can be delayed and the truce can remain intact for another few-thousand years. Let me re-state that so the significance of its absurdity affects you as potently as possible. Baldguy wants Anton, a prissy, unskilled nincompoop with no real powers besides having pointy teeth, to put the brakes on a series of events that could throw the world into utter chaos and bring about extinction for one half of the Other population of the world. The fate of the world hangs on this guy? Why not the chick that can turn into a fucking tiger for christ's sake?! He can barely fight off a guy with scissors, and he's supposed to prevent the apocalypse? Chicken-chopping moment number four: you pay what you get for. Anton is a shitty savior and he does a shitty job in the end. Ruin the conclusion of the movie for you? I'll bake you a cake filled with shit the next time I see you.
But before Anton can get to business on this whole Virgin thing, he's called into action to take care of another lingering problem. That burny-faced vampire chick from earlier on is trying to catch that kid again, to feed of course. So, Anton has to find the kid, but before he does, Baldguy gives him some help. He tosses an owl named Olga at him and sends the merry pair on their way. Anton takes Olga back to his pad, and after attempting some retarded conversation with the thing, he realizes you can't talk to a fucking owl and gives up. Then, suddenly, the owl transforms into a naked chick covered in feathers and goo! She demands clothing and directions to Anton's shower, which he provides. Upon asking why the fuck she was an owl until a few minutes ago, her response is that it was her punishment...for something...something bad. And that's the end of that line of questioning. Anton is satisfied with that half-assed reply, and therefore, so should the viewer. Come on, it's mysterious!
Anton attempts to borrow some women's clothing from his Dark vampire neighbor, and is instead met with an icy glare. His buddy was apparently friends with the scissor-wielding cockfiend from before and he's upset that his Dark Other Brotha is currently pushing up daisies. So, the two have a really sissy argument, Dark Neighbor Guy stomps off in a huff and Anton quickly dismisses the whole affiar as unimportant in general. We don't see the neighbor guy ever again, and yet another opportunity has been missed in regard to character development. The viewer still doesn't give a damn about Anton, and that's not going to change anytime soon.
So, Anton and Olga head off in search of the kid, and manage to find his apartment. Let me pause for a moment to explain yet another unfathomably retarded and inexplicable facet of this horrible movie's mythos. The Gloom. Well, I would like to explain the Gloom but, because the film does no such thing on its own, I can only give you exactly what the movie gave me as far as information goes. Okay, so, all Others can apparently go "into the Gloom". Basically, what this translates to onscreen is the lighting gets kinda shadowy, flies start buzzing around and the sound gets a bit weird. While in the Gloom, apparently an Other is invisible to the naked eye, except their reflection can still be seen in mirrors. If you stay in the Gloom for too long, it consumes you and you die. That's it. Yeah, I know, I'll say it for you. Gay. That's what they should call it. Not the Gloom. The Gay.
So, Anton and Olga waltz into the kid's house by going into The Gay, which apparently also allows them to pass through doors and walls and whatnot. However, when they get inside, they find that the kid is already inside The Gay. What a shock! He's a fucking Other! Seriously, I'm pretty sure that every side-character Anton meets in this goddamn movie turns out to be an Other. They manage to coax the kid out of The Gay and radio HQ that he's been secured. So, Baldguy sends the chick that turns into a tiger and a big fat guy named Bear, that turns into a fucking bear, to watch the kid while Anton and Olga go after the Virgin. Yeah, I'll bet you're wondering why Baldguy didn't send people with actual powers to the kid's house in the first place, to which the only explanation is that this movie is horribly stupid and nothing within it makes sense.
Baldguy informs the Dynamic Duo en route that the Virgin's place of residence has been located, which truly is no great feat of detective work because of the giant dervish of crows circling her entire apartment complex. Her location couldn't have been more obvious if they'd had Rip Taylor standing on the roof, tossing confetti and shouting "This is where that Virgin bitch be, OH JESUS!" at the top of his lungs. During this sequence, there's also a couple of events involving a plane losing an engine and being in danger of crashing, as well as an accident at the Moscow power plant which causes the entire city to black out. Neither event is important in any way, and therefore should be discarded, not unlike a used tissue, candy wrapper or aborted fetus.
Anton and Olga ascend the Virgin's apartment building to the room that Night Watch has set up as their temporary base of operations. Upon entering, the pair sees that this apartment is actually occupied, and all of Night Watch's equipment has been set up in the dining room while the family is having dinner. The family is inexplicably frozen in place, mouths hanging half-open, spoons still holding uneaten food, and our heroes seem to be pretty much fine with that. And, as any good audience should be, we're supposed to be fine with it as well.
Anton settles down next to Night Watch's resident computer nerd and watches over his shoulder as Dr. Dork utilizes what is quite possibly the stupidest, lamest and most illogically ridiculous example of Deus Ex Machina in movie history. Professor Geekenstein is sitting at his laptop, frantically searching through an online database of sorts owned and operated by Night Watch. It's an electronic database basically containing video, sound and image records of every single second of every single person's life on Earth. How in God's name can such an asinine program exist? How, in the name of all holy logic, could the lives of six billion people all be completely electronically recorded and filed away for perusal from a goddamn Dell Powerbook? Because...uh...hey look over there, it's Jesus!
So, Phinneas P. Nerdlinger MD. is failing miserably with his uber-surveillance program. He's tracked and viewed just about every moment of this Virgin chick's life and he can find no record of anybody cursing her. Ever. In her entire life. What a fucking conundrum. So, Anton the Useless decides to take over this operation and put his computer skills (read: no computer skills of any sort) to the test. However, after about two seconds of actual searching, he decides "aw, fuck this" and starts tracing back along his own timeline. It's time to do some soul-searching! Screw the fact that we're on a time table and the apocalypse is drawing nearer with each passing second! I need some "me" time.
So, Anton decides, for motivations and reasons completely left up to the viewer, that he's gonna go back and take another look at that whole event which got him started down this path. Back to his attempted magic-assassination of his estranged girlfriend's unborn child. Well, our daunting hero learns two things: one, the kid was actually his! Seriously, I almost fell off of my couch when they drew back the curtain on that shocker. Second, that dumbass 12-year-old kid he keeps saving is, in fact, the estranged son he attempted to murder while the child was still mostly goo in his ex-lover's baby-hive. It was at this point that I actually vomited from an overload of plot revelation. I simply couldn't handle the magnitude of such intellectual story development. M. Night Shyamalamalanama couldn't have concieved better.
It's at this point that Dr. Goofus kicks Anton off of his laptop and tells him that the whole database thing isn't gonna work anymore. Anton is going to have to actually speak with the woman upstairs and use his clever persuasive skills (read: this man has the charisma of Stephen Hawking without the aid of his creepy voicebox thingy, but with a mouthful of pimento cheese spread instead) in order to learn who cursed her so that the Vortex can be closed.
Our ass-brained hero quickly makes his way upstairs and knocks on Ms. Virgin's door. After a bunch of stupid timewasting bullshit about him having an ulcer and needing her to check it out (because she's a nurse, or a doctor or some such nonsense), she sees through his clever ruse (read: the stupidest ruse ever) and orders him out of her domicile. Stalling for time, he starts hitting on her, offering her booze, and so on. Finally, he gets to the point, demands to know who cursed her and stares at her menacingly for a second or two. After enduring Anton's verbal onslaught, Ms. Virgin is incapable of maintaining composure any longer and tearfully admits, to this complete fucking stranger, that it was she who infact cursed herself. Why would she do such a thing? Because this movie hates everyone stupid enough to watch it, and tries to kill these individuals by way of transmitting high-density waves of pure Dumb directly into the viewer's brain. Oh, and there was some retarded explanation involving the chick's mother and a kidney transplant.
Back at Lame Watch HQ, Baldguy congratulates Anton for getting Ms. Virgin to admit her guilt, thereby dispelling the curse and closing the Vortex, saving humanity and Other-humanity alike.
But, did you seriously think such a nightmare could end in such a quick and painless manner? Of course not! Shortly after Anton recieves his congratulations, Baldguy is informed that Burny-Faced Vampire Chick from earlier in the movie has taken Anton's son prisoner and is demanding his presence back at the kid's apartment building. So, Baldguy sends our hero packing. Anton quickly arrives on the roof of the apartment building and engages in a showdown with Burny-Face, which consists of a bunch of stereotypical goth banter and ends with the bitch falling off the roof. Yay!
But wait! There's more still to come! One final task stands before our daunting protagonist, and it will be the greatest challenge he's ever faced. The Dark Other Leader, whose name will be henceforth "Queerhawk", because he sports the most homosexually-supercharged mohawk in the history of gay mohawks, suddenly appears on the roof in a blazing entrance! To describe his arrival as literally as possible, basically he gets on the building's elevator, lights a cigarette, and suddenly the thing shoots upward for no apparent reason. Queerhawk's cigarette falls from his mouth, and he proceeds to scream like a castrated frenchman until the lift crashes through the ceiling and onto the roof of the building. It's one of the most inexplicable scenes in the entire movie because, as it's happening, you're lead to believe that the whole thing is out of the poor guy's hands and that he's going to meet a horrible, random death at the end of the line. However, once he steps out of the dismembered elevator, he fucking plays it off like "I totally meant to do that." It was at this point that I actually began yelling at my TV to start making some fucking sense.
So, the impact of the explosion knocks Anton unconscious. When he awakens, the entire apartment roof has become a battleground. For reasons only Russia can properly interpret, the Final Battle is taking place, despite Anton's previous success in closing the Vortex. All of the Light and Dark Others you've seen thus far in the movie, plus thousands more, have been magically transported to this rooftop for a battle royale, and they're now decked out in full medieval armor and swinging around battleaxes and broadswords.
...
So, Anton, finding himself ill-equipped to deal with hordes of Dark Other scum vying for his head, searches the environs for a weapon with which to defend himself. Instead of picking up one of the numerous swords or axes which now litter the battlefield, he makes what is easily his most brilliant and logical decision thus far. I'd like to take a second for you to just guess at what his weapon of choice turns out to be. Think hard. What is the absolute first thing you'd use to stave off an encroaching tide of bloodthirsty berserkers armed with steel weapons and armor?
A broom?
A rolled-up newspaper?
A baby?
If you guessed any of these, you'd be wrong. No, our fair Anton instead takes firm hold of a fucking halogen tube as his weapon of choice. Yes, that's right. One of those long, cylindrical lightbulbs you used to throw at the ground at watch explode in a haze of glass and dust. However, this is no ordinary halogen tube. It's the Mystical Halogen Tube of Ass-Kicking Plus 1. Apparently, this sacred, ancient weapon is capable of fending off an infinite number of direct blows from swords, axes, clubs and elephants alike. On top of that, the thing stays constantly lit, without need for an external power source. What a handy item!
After fending off a few attackers, Anton is challenged by Queerhawk, who then engages the only truly badass moment in the entire movie. Rather than unsheath a lameass iron sword or battleaxe, our buddy 'Hawk instead sticks his own hand into the flesh of his neck, grabs hold of his spine and pulls it out of his own body. Upon completely removing his own fucking backbone, it is revealed that half of the object is actually a steel blade. So, wielding his Spine-Blade against the protagonist's Neon Bulb of Gay Plus 2, the two enemies face off in a final battle that consists of a bunch of clumsy, graceless, haymaker weapon-swinging and grunts.
After a few moments of truly emarassing fight coreography, Anton's son runs up to the pair in order to put a stop to all of the madness. In the heat of the moment, Anton is disarmed, falls backwards and at the same time pulls a screwdriver from his belt as a last ditch weapon. He twists as he falls, and lands on his hands and knees above the kid, screwdriver raised in the air, looking as though he's preparing to skewer the kid. Lameboy tearfully asks his father, "we're you really trying to kill me?" to which Queerhawk replies "yes, he was." 'Hawk then summons one of his cronies to his side, who proceeds to read-off a newspaper article about Anton attempting to use black magic to kill his unborn son 12 years prior. Lameboy makes the connection, loses all faith in his estranged father, and chooses, as an Other, to join the side of Darkness. Anton accuses Queerhawk of having this whole situation plannned out in advance, to which the faggot gleefully admits. He then encourages our downtrodden protagonist to hit him, if it'll make him feel better. Anton accepts the offer, punches the living shit out of the badguy repeatedly, and the image freezes. Some unidentified douchebag does a voiceover saying something to the effect of "the battle has been lost for the Night Watch but the war still rages on. So long as there are those that follow the path of good, the Light shall never die."
The End.
It is at this point that any sane human being would throw himself on a live grenade and spare themself the excruciating agony of the brain tumor sure to follow. I, of course, opted to endure the pain so that I could write this blog and warn each and every one of you to stay the fuck away from this infernally stupid movie. If you have any sense of decency, any amount of interest in the preservation of your own sanity, or care in the slightest that contributing to further DVD sales or rental profits could unwittingly produce a sequel to this monstrosity, I would advise you, against punishment of death by my own two hands, to never think or speak of this abhorrent film again. Night Watch is the worst movie ever created, and to view it in its entirety is to invite madness into the core of your soul.
I'm going to cry myself to sleep now. Good day.
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