Monday funnies..?

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job then to accept free aid."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.

"You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well... You started it."

And here's another.:








A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my eyes!"

I heard the first one last week, but with a slight exception - a pakistani immigrant walked into the local Job Centre and told them that he was hard-working, willing to do any job, and didn't care about how much he'd earn.

It's interesting how jokes cross the pond. Makes you wonder if they originate over here, wing their merry way over to Americaland, and get slightly modified, or if it's the other way round.

Yeah true, i'm sure it's all just e-mail jabber that travels the globe, get's put onto online forums, and then reversed.

Or text message. Most of the jokes I read on here I hear a few days before from a fella in my Computing set who gets them texted to him by other mates. I swear that's all he gets.

Chain mail text messaging is the lamest thing in the fucking world.

If anybody sends me spam through text, I delete them from my phone.