Thread: The Path
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Posted 2004-02-01, 07:39 AM in reply to Dan XIII's post starting "I don't know how you think these up but..."
The only "criticism" I have is the last line. This is entirely my opinion, so discredit it if you wish. The entire poem uses "we" and references you and others as a group, creating a sense of community. However, the last line is basically an absolution of responsibility. It comes across as though you're saying "well, we're in this together, but I don't want the responsibility, so you make the important decisions and I'll go have a sandwich." I'd just say remove that line altogether. The line right before it would be perfectly suitable as an ending, and it would leave the reader actually asking themselves the question you're posing to them.

Again, this is all my opinion, and you don't have to listen to a work I say. Just throwing in my two cents.
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Raziel is neither ape nor machine; has so far settled for the in-betweenRaziel is neither ape nor machine; has so far settled for the in-between
 
 
Raziel