Mantralord's guide to eating Chef Boyardee.
 

Growing up, I'm sure most of you have had some sort of Chef Boyardee entree. I mean, it's hard to resist beefaronni, macaronni, ravioli, Grav-aronni and lots of other types of pastas that end in 'i'. However, did you know that you might be eating them improperly!? GASP! Well, you probably didn't, you idiot. You're so dumb that you should be eating larvae out of your ass with a spoon made out of greasy afro hairs. Should. However, I'm a reasonable man, and as a reasonable man, I think that you deserve a second chance. While this second chance should come preferably after a 2 by 4 is smashed into your skull my a gone-haywire turbine engine and through reincarnation, we all know that reincarnation was invented by dark-skinned natives. And we all know how stupid natives are (teehee, trading half of the USA for a few beads...hahahahahaha). So, without further ado, on with the guide:

A) Always heat your Chef Boyardee until the sauce bubbles.

While some of you may be wondering "Hmm, but mantralord, I just came out of the D2 forum. I may not know much more than to say 'lo lo lo pkpk useast legitestst ebay h4x!!!' but I do know that bubbling something doesn't necessarily change something." And you'd be right, for once. However, somehow Chef Boyardee, which is an ex-Nazi Pizza Zombie SS researcher, has put just the right amount of love (chemicals) in order to make the sauce taste better after a bit of bubbling. Try it, you'll be surprised at how a creamy goo can turn into a rich creamy goo in just 1:30 sec in the microwave. Or on the stove, if you're a backwards native. Teehee, beads...

B) Always use a spoon.

Yes, I know some of you suicidal white goths out there just love to keep a fork around just in case you need a quick dab at your wrist in order to ease the pain of the "tragic life" of living with parents who make $80,000 a year each, but a fork is not the tool to use here. You see, if you follow the step above, the sauce becomes too creamy for a toothed instrument, such as a fork or that skull you found while sniffing mom's panties. A spoon is necessary to slurp up all that rich goodness. Really, if you couldn't figure out that you had to use a spoon after Step A, please confine yourself in a small coffin, preferably inside a bigger coffin. With nails.

Anyway, that's the guide. I hope you'll all be eating Chef Boyardee the right way from now on.

I used to love Chef. It now tastes like shit T_T.

Go go spaghetti o's!

Wow! I am utterly speechless at how many people I am sure you offended with this post. You are a true genius of words, and should be rewarded for you efforts. I would offer you a cookie, but mailing it to you would make it taste bad, trust me.
Also, I too have been eating Chef Boyardee wrong for years. I always thought you should just wait until it got warm, thne eat it. I was always too lazy to watch what I was cooking, so I would just put it on my radiator in my apartment. Metal that has been sitting on a hot radiator for ten minutes hurts to touch. Thank you mantralord. My hands welcome you perfect strategy for eating Chef Boyardee.

Okay, maybe I was a little sarcastic, but can you blame me. That makes no sense. Waiting for something to bubble? Uh.....that is usually about the time that the sauce begins to burn. You are just supposed to heat it through. I still like the fact that you made fun of people in a post that has nothing to do with that. Congrats.

I'm watching lupin the third.

It doesn't burn, just let it bubble, you fool.

For some reason, when i microwave it like it says on the can, the very edges of the bowl burn the sauce. But only the VERY edges. Everything else is good.

Yes, but just boiling it takes time and patience. Both of which I have very little of. Oh and also, I hate Lupin the Third.

It burns in the edge, because the is so little of it exposed on the edges. I say if it ain't deadly, just eat it. If you don't know if it is deadly, just eat it anyway.

You gotta mix it around after you take it out, the little "hardened" edges dissolve and add a good flavor. Nubs.

nty! I used to pour it into a new bowl. The hardened edges made it lose its taste if anything.

Yeah. The hard edges suck They are like scabs, only for soup and soup type products. Useless and hard to eat. Not that I would ever try that.......

I don't know what kind of overpowered microwaves you white people have in your space-age plastic homes, but here in Sanityville, the edges don't really become hard, they just become sort of like a paste.

Well, us white folks do have superior technology. Okay, maybe that was a bit racist, but whatever. My microwave is top of the line garage sale find baby. It could cook a whole goose if I wanted. Heck, it could even be alive. YEAH! Anyway, the edges just look so unappealing. I just have to get rid of them. Kind of like ugly women. No fun at all.

You're all wrong, I know how to accomplish this task without using nary a dish, just open the can, cover with 1/4 a paper towel and heat on medium till it starts to make a mess, then pour some on a piece of bread and pwn it up.

WOW! Superlazy. You are amazingly lazy. You are a man among boys. You should write a book. I would buy it.

Gotta get me some Gravaroni.

Backwards native. -.-