School Gunman ...
 

Walking down the hallway each day
Children laugh and point, without dismay
The begenning of the end is so near
All because of some insults, from a queer
Its quiet inside the mind at night
The school is waiting, they'll all die tonight
Buying the guns, illegally bought
There will be a massacre where the school is taught
Blood on the walls, people screaming
Police barge in, as the gunman is gleaming
The pleasent look on his face, as he waits for his fate
...
Bullets go flying ,
as the police crash in,
The madman is struck, killing instantly
The parents find out, they're children are coming back indefenantly
All because of an insult, from a child so near
You'd better treat others better, or expect the fear.

-D3V

'where the school is taught' ????? it would be better 'where lessons are taught'

Well the whole school in general is taught, the teachs and students are being taught a lesson, not the actual school work.

A few things.

1)Run this through spell check. There are a few badly misspelled words in there.

2)"The parents find out, they're children are coming back indefenantly" Aside from some spelling errors and grammatical issues, that's a really clumsy line. "Their children are coming back indefinitely" suggests that their children are coming back, they just don't know when. I'd say re-do that entire line.

3) Don't focus so much on exact rhymes. Your words can rhyme without haivng the exact same sound. Here's an example from one of my songs. I'll highlight the rhyming parts.


Both of those words have the "eye" sound in them, but that's the only common thread they hold.


All of those words have the "er" sound in them, but they're not exact rhymes. Exact rhymes would be words like "master", "plaster", "caster", "faster". Granted, "defender and "surrender" are exact rhymes, but they're spaced out by a non-exact rhyme.

Focus on not using exact rhymes, or just basing the rhyming portions of your piece on similar sounds, not mirrored words. Here are a few examples of lines I think you should change in this piece.



(you're rhyming "night" with "night")


All of those lines feel too restricted by your insistance on rhyming. It just feels like you're trying to say something more provoking, but you can't because there aren't any words you can think of that rhyme other than the ones you used. I say go back over this one and rethink it.

i think it sucked.

Slay, dammit, I've told you people the rules in here enough times. If you don't have constructive criticism to offer, don't post it. If you absolutely must give your un-justified negative opinion of the piece, you can just simply say "I didn't like it." Saying "it sucked" doesn't do anything but discourage him from attempting to better his writing skills. Don't do it again, capische?

Thanks a bunch Raz, I'm gonna post some more crap that I'll actually work on. I just wrote that off the top of my head, Lol.