sorry
 

Actually i flamed you to be honest,Raziel but i am sorry for that. I just had some steam to blow off. To get back on topic i think that poem is kinda nice like i said earlier and u should add on to it Dan. ^_^

Sorry my brother flamed you Raziel. I am mad at him too because he brought my thread off-topic. I want some oppinions on my poem.

Well, Dan, I just read through your poem, and I have one suggestion to give you.

Remove her name from the poem entirely.

You see, when you directly address another human being in a literary piece (a poem, a song, etc) then you're doing two fairly negative things in the process.

1) You are excluding everyone that reads this poem from enjoying it. Because you single a specific person out, it makes the subject, emotions and message of the piece exclusive to the peron you're aiming it at. That's always a no-no.

2) You are putting the subject person on the spot. You're divulging their name and intimate aspects of your relationship with them for the public to see, and that's also a no-no.

And in all honesty, I've come to find that usually people prefer not being referenced directly. They enjoy the secrecy of the work, and it honestly feels a lot more meaningful to only have the writer and subject aware of exactly what the song is about. I would remove her name from the title and anywhere else that you placed it in the piece.

Otherwise, good job.

thank you for the advice but I won't be changing the poem at all. If I make another one I will keep in mind what you said.

Not to bad at all

The literature forum doesn't seem to get much activity. I guess people don't like books or poems much here at zelaron.

I've been too busy to write lately. :( That and the bloody writer's block. Poo.

don't worry you will think of something good to write and I will comment on it.

What??? Your in college, and you like yugioh? Holy cow, I thought only 6th graders liked that game.