Poem for Harmony

[Dan XIII]

this one is for you Harmony:
I will always be with you
this is something I thought you knew
I want you to be my wife
when it is the right moment in life.
I love you and that will never change
even if our relationship becomes long range
being far away won't change the way I feel
nothing will ever break this seal
the seal I have is a seal called love
it won't break, Harmony,my love
we have been dating for almost a quarter of a year
losing you is my greatest fear
without you I would be sad
you are the only girlfriend I have ever had
meeting you was a very important day
I was too shy to tell you I liked you that way
now you know that I love you
now what I want to hear is a reply from you

[Sovereign]

awwwww dan is in love ^_^

[Dan XIII]

awwwww dan is in love ^_^yes I am.I will make another poem here when I feel like it.

[Ganga]

kinda off topic but... you are in highschool right?

[Shining Knights]

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.

[zagggon]

What would you do if I said that harmony was having an afair? Would you make a nice hate poem for us all to hear? ^_^

[Sovereign]

kinda off topic but... you are in highschool right?

No, he is in college.

[LiveWire]

There goes Zagggon fueling the fire :p

[LiveWire]

Thats a very nice poem man, hope everything works out for you and her

[Dan XIII]

What would you do if I said that harmony was having an afair? Would you make a nice hate poem for us all to hear? ^_^I already know she isn't having an affair and if she did I would be too sad to make a poem unless it was a sad poem.I doubt I would be able to make a hate poem.
kinda off topic but... you are in highschool right?
I am in college like Sovereign said.Why did you ask if I was in High School?
Thats a very nice poem man, hope everything works out for you and herthank you for the compliment and thank you for hoping everything works out for us.I hope any relationships you are in work out as well.

[Jessifer]

As I had told you before, I really don't consider myself to be a poet, but since you tend to insist that I am and asked for my opinion on your poem, I'll comply.

Is this your first poem? If so, it actually is rather good, IMHO. The rhyming was nicely done. However, the last line, I think, needs to be re-phrased. It's just my opinion, and you don't have to agree with me, but it seems...I dunno...out of place? Almost as if you're demanding a response from her.

But it still is pretty good. O.o

[Dan XIII]

As I had told you before, I really don't consider myself to be a poet, but since you tend to insist that I am and asked for my opinion on your poem, I'll comply.

Is this your first poem? If so, it actually is rather good, IMHO. The rhyming was nicely done. However, the last line, I think, needs to be re-phrased. It's just my opinion, and you don't have to agree with me, but it seems...I dunno...out of place? Almost as if you're demanding a response from her.

But it still is pretty good. O.oI do want a response from her.If she wrote a poem as a reply it would make it even better.

[Jessifer]

Aah. I see. Okay, then. Omit what I said, I guess.

[Dan XIII]

I'm in love too, and I plan on marrying her, honestly, we are going too. We're deeply in love, and it's not for the lust, b/c frankly we didn't do anything really yet. Age doesn't mater, but the heart does.good luck with your relationship man.I hope you two are together as long as Harmony and I will be together which is forever.

[Pimpiroth]

i like your poem i think it is sweet and romantic
:D ^o^

[Dan XIII]

i like your poem i think it is sweet and romantic
:D ^o^I know.I wish I could get more people's oppinions here at zelaron though.I want to see what people think of my poem.

[Pimpiroth]

I am a fucking moron. Pay no attention to this post plz.


MATT, STOP FUCKING THROWING INSULTS AROUND

[Raziel]

Pimpiroth, you're lucky as fuck that Sov caught you before I did. You've been warned. Flame anyone in this forum again, and you'll be staring down the business end of the banned stick, capische?

[Dan XIII]

Flame anyone in this forum again, and you'll be staring down the business end of the banned stick, capische?Who did he flame anyway.I don't like how he flamed someone in the thread that I made for my poem.

[Raziel]

I don't know who he was flaming. Sov edited his entire post before I had a chance to see it. However, in Sov's edit, he told your brother to stop throwing insults around. Insults = Flames and Flames in the Literature Forum = No More Chances. One more time and he's out of here.

[Pimpiroth]

Actually i flamed you to be honest,Raziel but i am sorry for that. I just had some steam to blow off. To get back on topic i think that poem is kinda nice like i said earlier and u should add on to it Dan. ^_^

[Dan XIII]

I don't know who he was flaming. Sorry my brother flamed you Raziel. I am mad at him too because he brought my thread off-topic. I want some oppinions on my poem.

[Raziel]

Well, Dan, I just read through your poem, and I have one suggestion to give you.

Remove her name from the poem entirely.

You see, when you directly address another human being in a literary piece (a poem, a song, etc) then you're doing two fairly negative things in the process.

1) You are excluding everyone that reads this poem from enjoying it. Because you single a specific person out, it makes the subject, emotions and message of the piece exclusive to the peron you're aiming it at. That's always a no-no.

2) You are putting the subject person on the spot. You're divulging their name and intimate aspects of your relationship with them for the public to see, and that's also a no-no.

And in all honesty, I've come to find that usually people prefer not being referenced directly. They enjoy the secrecy of the work, and it honestly feels a lot more meaningful to only have the writer and subject aware of exactly what the song is about. I would remove her name from the title and anywhere else that you placed it in the piece.

Otherwise, good job.

[Dan XIII]

thank you for the advice but I won't be changing the poem at all. If I make another one I will keep in mind what you said.

[‡AC‡]

Not to bad at all

[Dan XIII]

The literature forum doesn't seem to get much activity. I guess people don't like books or poems much here at zelaron.

[Jessifer]

I've been too busy to write lately. :( That and the bloody writer's block. Poo.

[Dan XIII]

I've been too busy to write lately. :( That and the bloody writer's block. Poo.don't worry you will think of something good to write and I will comment on it.

[platnum]

What??? Your in college, and you like yugioh? Holy cow, I thought only 6th graders liked that game.